How can we work so hard to try to love someone, and still be frustrated with them so frequently?

Once the question was lodged firmly in my counsellor mind, I too had to find the answer to this question.

I am a “Loving Person” most of the time . . .

Why do people in otherwise loving relationships find it so challenging to communicate with each other in a gentle and loving manner when we are frustrated or upset with another person? It is like a different “person” takes over and feels the need to mobilize an emotional army of emotional defences.

What is the Opposite of Love?

When asked, most people will answer the question, “What is the opposite of Love?” that the opposite of Love is Hate.

While “hate” may seem to be a logical response to the question, this is a common misperception, that leads to many needless misunderstandings in communication.

Love is a core emotion from which many other emotions are created. Emotions such as happiness, kindness, goodwill, charity, faith, empathy, fairness and compassion all come from the root intention and “work” of love.

What is Hate and Where Does it Come From?

Hate is a subset of a different set of emotions. From greed to anger; from prejudice to envy; from jealousy to pride; from deceit to aggression and brutal abuse, the core emotion from which hate comes from is none other than fear.

Fear . . .

Fear is the opposite of love because fear is the base emotion from which hate, prejudice, greed, stress, paranoia, and many other negative emotions and experiences are based. Fear closes the heart and makes us vulnerable to being “taken over” by negative influences and control.

Fear is never patient;

Fear is not kind;

Fear is almost always jealous;

Fear is rude and frequently brags about personal accomplishments;

Fear is proud of what has been accomplished without the assistance of a partner;

Fear is easily angered;

Fear recalls “wrongs” to mind quickly, seeking to “dominate or control” and is frequently defensive when questioned or criticized;

Fear is typically happy when other people mess up and is never happy to celebrate what others have accomplished or created;

Truth and openness is anathema to fear;

Fear always gives up on others, never trusts, always loses hope, quitting early and often;

Fear will come to an end as will all other gifts of knowledge and material possessions;

When confronted with true love, fear always has to back down, even if it takes a while . . .

Most people identify frequent unresolved disagreements, arguments, a lack of trust, poor communication, and criticism, as markers of an unhealthy relationship.

When asked, most describe the attributes of a healthy relationship using the following terms:

• A strong and loving bond;
• Great communication;
• Exceptional trust;
• Ongoing commitment to resolving whatever life brings.

When the research is reviewed there are specific markers that are identified and categorized repeatedly as leading to a happy, healthy and satisfying relationship.

Leading relationship scientist Dr. John Gottman has identified specific signs and signals that lead to relationship breakdown and signal the coming to an end of a healthy relationship of any type. Following is a condensed version of Gottman’s summary of these markers titled “Predicting Divorce”:

1. A Harsh Start-up: Being negative, accusatory or using contempt.

2. The Four Horsemen:

a. Criticism: e.g. “Why are you so selfish?”

b. Contempt: Using sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye rolling gestures;

c. Defensiveness: Blaming the other person frequently, they are the problem not me;

d. Stonewalling: Shutting out further discussion. It may be important to note that men tend to do this more than women.

3. Flooding: When your partners’ negativity is often so overwhelming that they disengage to protect themselves.

4. Bodily Reactions: Physiological changes that happen within the body (such as significantly increased heart rate and blood pressure along with other strong chemical changes in the body and the brain) impairing the person’s ability to process information.

5. Failed Repair Attempts: One partners attempts to repair ongoing conflicts fails frequently.

6. Bad Memories: When the couple views the past in a negative light to the degree that they mentally “rewrite” or distort their past.

What are the Signs of a Healthy Relationship?

There are a lot of common markers for understanding what makes an unhappy relationship better and what makes a good relationship a happier and healthier relationship.

1. Complain and Communicate Constructively: Partners are careful how they present their complaint, the words they choose and the tone of the voice they use.

2. Share Your Concerns: Partners need to tell each other how they feel and what they need. If feelings and conflicts are left unresolved, the opportunity for bonding and relationship intimacy is lost. Men often think that they are cooling things down when they refuse to discuss things and women often feel minimized when issues and concerns are not openly discussed.

3. Be a Little Selfish: If you give and give until you feel resentful, trapped and imprisoned you are building a wall between you and your partner. Work on giving to yourself about the same or a little bit more then you do to your partner.

4. Break the Cycle: With criticism often comes a defensive response. Criticism leads to partners feeling alone, disconnected and helpless to resolve the problem. To break the cycle, communicate with the end goal in mind, asking questions about what you would like to see change and develop, instead of identifying negative qualities about the other person that need to change. 

5. Fulfil Your Dreams: Dreams unfulfilled can lead to significant resentment. Talk about your dreams with your partner and create an action plan to make each of yours dreams a reality.

6. Support Each Other: When black clouds descend on one partner (a death in the family, depression, career setback, significant and challenging life circumstance) be a person who is willing to listen and be compassionate in your partners’ darkest days.

7. Communicate With Clarity: When you are making a request of your partner, or asking your partner to do something for you, communicate with clear expectations and if you are not clear, gently request clarification or further directions. E.g. “Sweetie could you please take out the garbage by tomorrow morning so that when the pickup comes it’s there with the rest of the trash.”

8. Calm Your Anger: Regardless of who or what the issue may be, not being able to control your negative emotions, especially anger, can and will erode the positive feelings your partner has had for you. The person that the anger is directed at soon feels threatened and at risk, disconnecting the bond in the relationship.

9. Take Time Together: Life can become busy, and regardless if you are a new parent, parents of teenagers or empty nesters, there is always something to be done, or busyness to take care of. Couples often end up exhausted because of the ongoing obligations of “life.” There will always be work to be done, or things to “take care of.” There will not always be opportunities to “connect” with the children, or your partner. Take the time for one other spontaneously or by building time into the calendar. The cost of neglecting the connection in your relationship is simply too high.

10. Appreciate The Differences: Over time you will discover that your partner is different then you are and that you both have a different set of skills, talents and abilities. You can spend a lot of time, effort and energy trying to get them to do things your way or you can just accept their differences and make a plan to develop and appreciate the way these differences can complement each other in the relationship. Open a dialogue with your partner about these differences and find ways to resolve issues, remembering to focus on the issue not on your partner.

Looking for guidance in your relationships, let us show you how we can help – call today 604-574-6555

Build your ability to love by:

Expressing Yourself: Put positive feelings into words: "Our relationship is really important to me.” "I really care for you."

Loving Yourself: Love yourself, so you’re better able to deal with times when your partner has doubts and fears about the relationship. Reward yourself frequently for the things you appreciate about yourself and the relationship you helped to build.

Tolerating Differences: Everyone has differences of opinion. Differing opinions don’t have to mean a battle. Sometimes, it’s better to agree to disagree.

Being Understanding: Be empathetic. If you can see life from the other person's point of view, you will be more understanding and less judgemental.

Enjoying Time Alone: Being happy alone occasionally means you can be less dependent on your mate, and enjoy more of what life has to offer even when you cannot be together.

If you are struggling with balancing your emotions, let us show you how we can help you regain control – call today 604-574-6555

Loving or Needy?

People who are insecure sometimes use unhealthy love relationships to boost their self esteem, or give themselves a sense of identity and direction. When one relationship ends, they anxiously seek another to replace it. This type of relationship can never substitute for inner direction, true self-esteem or a reason to authentically enjoy life.

Infatuation

Infatuation is identified by the drive towards satisfying needs instead of a conscious choice to be in a loving, healthy relationship.

Some of the signs and signals of infatuation are:

• Desiring to become one with the lover
• Anxiety about being loved in return
• Never feeling loved enough
• Idealizing the loved one
• Feelings of insecurity when outside a love relationship
• Life is seen as fulfilling only when involved in a love relationship
• Extremes of happiness and misery Infatuation is falling in love with your own creation—what you need or hope for the other person to be, rather than who or what they actually are. Certain qualities put some people at a high risk for a compulsive or frantic love.

These include:

• A tendency to love too easily
• A vision of oneself as a unique individual who is very deserving of love
• Frequent and easy daydreaming and fantasizing
• Wanting more love from others than is usually received
• A high sensitivity to goodbyes and separations
• Defensiveness when criticized
• Failure to show anger openly and directly
• Self-centeredness—focusing more on getting love than giving it.

People with these traits are more prone to love in an unhealthy way than people without this combination of traits. Compulsive, anxious or frantic lovers are not likely to find lasting love without professional counselling. If some of these characteristics sound familiar to you or someone you know, counselling can help to quickly overcome these concerns and improve all of your relationships.

Let us show you how we can help – call today 604-574-6555

Fact: Jealousy typically comes from low self-confidence, which creates unreasonable fears of losing your mate. Irrational jealousy causes tension and usually damages love in the long term.

Myth: You cannot control your feelings for someone.

Fact: Love is a decision. Falling in or out of love means changing your feelings and behaviour toward the other person. This requires conscious effort.

Myth: If you really love someone, your feelings will always be the same.

Fact: Even when love is genuine and committed, the depth of feeling can and does fluctuate with life changes and external events. It is hard to feel loving when you are ill, frustrated or anxious, but that does not mean you will not feel loving again when external pressures are relieved.

Myth: Love is over when the "fireworks" stop.

Fact: The magnetism of sudden intimacy that we experience when we "fall in love" is more a sign of the degree of the preceding loneliness than proof of the intensity of genuine love.

As two people get to know one another and go through the cycle of “peaks and valleys,” their initial feelings of intimate infatuation will naturally lose some of the honeymoon qualities. Over time, as issues and concerns are resolved together, true bonding and genuine, strong, long lasting love will be able to grow.

Looking for guidance in your relationships, let us show you how we can help – call today 604-574-6555

Love is the source of emotional oxygen that keeps humanity alive and well. As long as there are human beings, there will be love.

Why are some couples happier in love than others? Although love has often been compared to passionate romance, it is really much more than infatuation. Love can come in many forms, for example, a person can experience emotional intimacy, platonic friendship, “friends with benefits,” infatuation, parentchild concerns and healthy patterns of bonded love.

How do we know when we have found healthy love? What makes love function in a truly satisfying way? While romantic love has some special characteristics, loving relationships of all types (spouse, partner, lover, parent, child, or friend) have some core qualities that set them apart.

At the heart of love is:

• Being able to depend on one another in times of need.
• Mutual understanding and sharing.
• Giving and receiving emotional support.
• Mutually supporting one another's welfare.
• Enjoying one another’s company.