Most people identify frequent unresolved disagreements, arguments, a lack of trust, poor communication, and criticism, as markers of an unhealthy relationship.

When asked, most describe the attributes of a healthy relationship using the following terms:

• A strong and loving bond;
• Great communication;
• Exceptional trust;
• Ongoing commitment to resolving whatever life brings.

When the research is reviewed there are specific markers that are identified and categorized repeatedly as leading to a happy, healthy and satisfying relationship.

Leading relationship scientist Dr. John Gottman has identified specific signs and signals that lead to relationship breakdown and signal the coming to an end of a healthy relationship of any type. Following is a condensed version of Gottman’s summary of these markers titled “Predicting Divorce”:

1. A Harsh Start-up: Being negative, accusatory or using contempt.

2. The Four Horsemen:

a. Criticism: e.g. “Why are you so selfish?”

b. Contempt: Using sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye rolling gestures;

c. Defensiveness: Blaming the other person frequently, they are the problem not me;

d. Stonewalling: Shutting out further discussion. It may be important to note that men tend to do this more than women.

3. Flooding: When your partners’ negativity is often so overwhelming that they disengage to protect themselves.

4. Bodily Reactions: Physiological changes that happen within the body (such as significantly increased heart rate and blood pressure along with other strong chemical changes in the body and the brain) impairing the person’s ability to process information.

5. Failed Repair Attempts: One partners attempts to repair ongoing conflicts fails frequently.

6. Bad Memories: When the couple views the past in a negative light to the degree that they mentally “rewrite” or distort their past.

What are the Signs of a Healthy Relationship?

There are a lot of common markers for understanding what makes an unhappy relationship better and what makes a good relationship a happier and healthier relationship.

1. Complain and Communicate Constructively: Partners are careful how they present their complaint, the words they choose and the tone of the voice they use.

2. Share Your Concerns: Partners need to tell each other how they feel and what they need. If feelings and conflicts are left unresolved, the opportunity for bonding and relationship intimacy is lost. Men often think that they are cooling things down when they refuse to discuss things and women often feel minimized when issues and concerns are not openly discussed.

3. Be a Little Selfish: If you give and give until you feel resentful, trapped and imprisoned you are building a wall between you and your partner. Work on giving to yourself about the same or a little bit more then you do to your partner.

4. Break the Cycle: With criticism often comes a defensive response. Criticism leads to partners feeling alone, disconnected and helpless to resolve the problem. To break the cycle, communicate with the end goal in mind, asking questions about what you would like to see change and develop, instead of identifying negative qualities about the other person that need to change. 

5. Fulfil Your Dreams: Dreams unfulfilled can lead to significant resentment. Talk about your dreams with your partner and create an action plan to make each of yours dreams a reality.

6. Support Each Other: When black clouds descend on one partner (a death in the family, depression, career setback, significant and challenging life circumstance) be a person who is willing to listen and be compassionate in your partners’ darkest days.

7. Communicate With Clarity: When you are making a request of your partner, or asking your partner to do something for you, communicate with clear expectations and if you are not clear, gently request clarification or further directions. E.g. “Sweetie could you please take out the garbage by tomorrow morning so that when the pickup comes it’s there with the rest of the trash.”

8. Calm Your Anger: Regardless of who or what the issue may be, not being able to control your negative emotions, especially anger, can and will erode the positive feelings your partner has had for you. The person that the anger is directed at soon feels threatened and at risk, disconnecting the bond in the relationship.

9. Take Time Together: Life can become busy, and regardless if you are a new parent, parents of teenagers or empty nesters, there is always something to be done, or busyness to take care of. Couples often end up exhausted because of the ongoing obligations of “life.” There will always be work to be done, or things to “take care of.” There will not always be opportunities to “connect” with the children, or your partner. Take the time for one other spontaneously or by building time into the calendar. The cost of neglecting the connection in your relationship is simply too high.

10. Appreciate The Differences: Over time you will discover that your partner is different then you are and that you both have a different set of skills, talents and abilities. You can spend a lot of time, effort and energy trying to get them to do things your way or you can just accept their differences and make a plan to develop and appreciate the way these differences can complement each other in the relationship. Open a dialogue with your partner about these differences and find ways to resolve issues, remembering to focus on the issue not on your partner.

Looking for guidance in your relationships, let us show you how we can help – call today 604-574-6555

I am always becoming triggered by the little things . . . I want to overcome this problem and speak to my partner calmly. I want to work things out, I just cannot seem to get past a certain point before I blow up, and start the cycle all over again . . . I am so tired of fighting with the one that I love.

How is Anger Expressed

Cultural standards and gender roles play a part in how we do, or do not, express anger. Some people keep it inside, waiting for it to boil over. Others blow up quickly and it passes really quickly as well. Regardless of how or why excessive anger is expressed, it is always leaving behind a trail of bruised, hurt and damaged lives.

In North America, it is common for men to act angry when they are feeling hurt, afraid, overwhelmed, or confused.

Anger in women, has traditionally been considered to be an "unfeminine" emotion, and some women find it difficult to express their anger.

Some men find anger in women to be threatening. As a result, women may be more likely to express feeling hurt than angry, or turn their anger into self-criticism.

In families where anger was dealt with in an unhealthy manner, or where it was prohibited entirely, children may learn to express anger through whining, pouting, being clingy, or developing self-destructive behaviours.

When coping mechanisms are unsuccessful, children and adults, may try to hurt the target of their anger "accidentally" or through promising compliance but doing the opposite of what was promised. If these styles of coping are not resolved, the patterns that are developed will create attitudes and ways of handling anger right through adult life, replaying themselves over and over again, with increasing intensity in important relationships.

Breaking the Anger Cycle

Professionally trained counsellors can help break the anger cycle by:

• Providing opportunities to safely discuss angry feelings in a safe and confidential environment.
• Identifying the true sources of anger and resolving them.
• Bringing resolution to old anger patterns.
• Providing effective tools for resolving past and present anger patterns.
• Replacing distorted thinking and irrational beliefs with new ways of thinking that are constructive and build better relationships.
• Building a higher level of self-esteem and self-acceptance.​
• Using innovative and leading edge technology to reprogram anger patterns from brain injuries, and traumatic abuse.  

Let us help you and the ones that you love, gain control over anger – call today 604-574-6555

Psychological reactions to anger include:

• Seeing yourself as a victim.
• Feeling discounted, overlooked, or ignored.
• Feelings of helplessness or powerlessness.
• Seeking opportunities for justice or revenge.

Cultural standards and sex roles also play a part in how we do, or do not, express anger. In North America, the expression of anger in men is generally considered to be acceptable in some situations. It is not uncommon for men to act angry when they are feeling hurt, afraid, or confused.

Anger in women, conversely, has traditionally been considered to be an "unfeminine" emotion, and some men find this emotion in women threatening. As a result, women may be more likely to feel hurt than angry, or turn their anger into self-criticism.

In families where anger was dealt with in an unhealthy manner, or where it was prohibited, children may learn to express anger through whining, pouting, being clingy, or becoming self-destructive.

If these coping mechanisms are unsuccessful, children may try to hurt the target of their anger "accidentally" or through promising compliance but doing the opposite of what was promised. If these styles of coping are not resolved, children will carry these attitudes and ways of handling anger into adult life. In adult life, unresolved anger patterns from childhood are typically replayed in present day relationships.

Breaking the Anger Cycle

Professionally trained counsellors can help break the anger cycle by:

• Providing opportunities to safely discuss angry feelings in a safe and confidential environment where others are not likely to be harmed.
• Identifying the true sources of anger.
• Bringing resolution and new ways of dealing with old anger patterns.
• Providing "tools" for effective resolution of past and present anger patterns.
• Replacing distorted thinking and irrational beliefs with new ways of thinking that are more constructive.
• Building a higher level of self-esteem and self-acceptance.​

Let us show you how we can help you gain control over anger – call today 604-574-6555

For most people this brings up images of a loss of control and negative associations such as frustration, hurt, and fear. Anger can be either an emotion that brings our focus to something that needs our attention, or it can be a powerful force that influences us to act in irrational ways. Anger is a signal that we do not like what is happening at that moment in time.

Anger does not go away if we ignore it, deny its existence, or fail to resolve the source of the frustration. When we ignore angry feelings, the emotional energy goes "underground" where it makes "terrorist type sneak attacks" on our health and relationships. Buried anger in the form of rage often surfaces when a crisis presents itself, making the impact of the crisis much more intense.

Anger is an intense emotional response triggered by our subjective interpretation of events or circumstances which violate our boundaries. Personal boundaries are the invisible place where we end and the world around us begins. Boundaries are also the place where we can feel comfortable and protected within ourselves. When this sense of personal space is violated, we feel uncomfortable, as if we are having our feelings crowded.

Anger serves to reinforce and protect this sense of where our boundaries exist by letting others know when they are stepping on our emotional toes or sensitive areas. Often we fail to recognize annoyance, irritation and displeasure as low-level responses of anger, which will build into full-blown rage, if left to accumulate over a period of time.

The Roots of Emotion

The roots of emotion, the things that anger us, and the way we express our emotions vary according to culture, age, sex and relative power in a situation. Emotions are universal. When and how we respond to emotions—such as with anger—will vary, depending on individual and learned patterns of coping responses.

Anger usually begins with a loss, or the perceived threat of a loss, such as:

• Loss of self-esteem. We become angry, often with ourselves, when we believe we have failed or let ourselves or others down.
• Loss of face. Public exposure of failures or inadequacies can be humiliating and infuriating.
• Threat of physical harm or violence. In this type of threat, anger helps us to activate our self-preservation instincts.
• Loss of valued possessions, skills, abilities or roles. Regardless of who is to blame, losing something that we are proud of or attached to can cause both hurt and anger.
• Loss of a valued relationship. Anger is often a naturally occurring, though not always healthy response to the loss of an important relationship.

You can have control over your anger – call today to find out how we can help 604-574-6555