Following are some guidelines for improving your communication:

Timing

If the person you are trying to talk with is busy, distracted, or preoccupied, much of the intended message will fall on deaf ears. Be certain that you have the attention of the person you are communicating with and that they are willing and able to communicate in return.

Aim Your Conversation Towards a Goal – "When you aim at nothing you will hit it every time!" If you know ahead of time what you want to discuss, or you have a general agenda you won't come across as rambling. Stick to the question or topic at hand and resist straying into related subjects without completing the topic at hand.

Say What You Really Want – Try not to make your partner guess at what your motivations and intentions are. Express how you feel, what you want, and what you need as clearly as possible and provide opportunity for the other person to ask questions for clarification. Practice

Active Listening – Active listening involves maintaining eye contact, positive and open posture, and being relaxed while you are communicating.

Clarify

Clarifying by asking questions shows that you have been listening. It is wise to never trust your assumptions about what you think you heard.

Express Areas That You Are Willing To Negotiate – Negotiation does not have to mean that you’re giving in but that you are willing to trade off or compromise. Bargaining or negotiating in this way can be enjoyable. Try not to agree to something that will cause later resentment.

Talk With People, Not At Them – Having an attitude of equality will help you to share the responsibility for what is being discussed while also maintaining a positive flow of conversation.

Be Sincere and Caring – Being sincere in giving praise will win respect. Try to remember that, "No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Criticize Constructively – Using "I" statements will help to separate the behaviour in question from the person and focuses on your feelings about the situation.

The foundation for healthy relationships is the ability to communicate and inter-relate. We can have better relationships and more fulfilled lives when we understand the meanings behind conversations. These meanings are not always obvious. Sometimes, it is useful to have a counsellor to improve communications. A professional counsellor can help to fine-tune your communication and open doors to happier, more fulfilled and intimate relationships.

Effective Communication

• Use "I" Statements
• No “Zapping”
• Stay in the Present and the Future
• Stick to the Topic at Hand
• Never Assume
• Do Not Interrupt
• Acknowledge Other's Point of View
• Offer an Apology if Appropriate
• Ask Clarifying Questions

Because we experience different perceptions, have matured in different environments and possess differing viewpoints, our understandings of the messages being communicated to us will often appear to be quite contradictory.

Communication Stoppers

Some obstacles to enjoyable conversation are lack of understanding, overstating one's point or refusing to discuss touchy subjects. Provoking delicate issues, withdrawing when troubled, or "shutting others up" also obstructs good communication. When these types of communication blockages occur, frustration and discouragement rise up quite rapidly.

The result is inhibited conversations with others, fears of asking for what we really want, disbelief in what others say, and feeling like people are talking down to us or do not take our concerns seriously.

There are six common communication obstacles that are always detrimental to a relationship and should be avoided if possible. These will wound your listener and hinder communication.

The most common communication obstacles are:

• Global labels – Some common examples include words like: Ugly, selfish, stupid, asinine, evil, disgusting, worthless, mean, and lazy. These are all hurtful labels which will estrange our listener. These labels are particularly damaging when used in the formats like “You are worthless, lazy, etc. . . .” Instead of addressing a specific issue or behaviour, global labels create indictment, and alienate the listener.

• Sarcasm – This negative form of humour conveys to the listener that you have contempt for them. Usually, this is a cover for feelings of hurt and anger. This typically pushes the listener away and creates further anger and resentment.

• Dragging up the past – Raking over old wounds and betrayals usually destroys the possibility of clarifying how you truly feel about the present situation.

• Negative comparisons – "Your sister is getting A's and you can't even get a B!" Comparisons are deadly because they not only contain subtle "you're bad" messages, but may also create feelings of inferiority to family and friends without acknowledging individual contributions.

• Judgemental "you" messages – "You aren't there for me when I need you." "You don't love me anymore." Using the word "you" in the beginning of a sentence assaults the listener using an accusing form and tells the other person what to feel. Putting "always" in front of the accusations make these statements particularly caustic, for example . . . "You are always late."

• Threats – This is a very powerful form of a communication stopper. Instead of talking through sensitive and perhaps uncomfortable issues, this usually shifts the focus of the conversation to fight, flight, freeze or retaliation.

A very small percentage of communication in relationships is verbal. The words we choose are not as significant as how the words are said. We convey over 80% of our messages through gestures, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. The timing of what we say…and our use of silence has a significant impact on the total message.

The five skill levels of conversation in intimate communication is the foundation for all relationships. It’s the glue that holds relationships together or dramatically pushes them apart. We communicate internally and externally with others all of our waking hours.

The five skill levels of communication reflect the status of emotional intimacy in one's relationship, the first being the least intimate form of communication, and the last, most. They are:

1. Superficial Contact and Interaction
2. Small Talk
3. Honest expression of Ideas, Values, and Opinions
4. Open and Sincere expression of Feelings
5. Full and Intimate disclosure of Ideas, Values, Opinions and Feelings

How would you rate the communication skills of yourself and of those in your relationships?

If you would like a no obligation initial assessment on how you could improve intimate communication  in your relationships, call us today we'd like to help.