Most people identify frequent unresolved disagreements, arguments, a lack of trust, poor communication, and criticism, as markers of an unhealthy relationship.

When asked, most describe the attributes of a healthy relationship using the following terms:

• A strong and loving bond;
• Great communication;
• Exceptional trust;
• Ongoing commitment to resolving whatever life brings.

When the research is reviewed there are specific markers that are identified and categorized repeatedly as leading to a happy, healthy and satisfying relationship.

Leading relationship scientist Dr. John Gottman has identified specific signs and signals that lead to relationship breakdown and signal the coming to an end of a healthy relationship of any type. Following is a condensed version of Gottman’s summary of these markers titled “Predicting Divorce”:

1. A Harsh Start-up: Being negative, accusatory or using contempt.

2. The Four Horsemen:

a. Criticism: e.g. “Why are you so selfish?”

b. Contempt: Using sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye rolling gestures;

c. Defensiveness: Blaming the other person frequently, they are the problem not me;

d. Stonewalling: Shutting out further discussion. It may be important to note that men tend to do this more than women.

3. Flooding: When your partners’ negativity is often so overwhelming that they disengage to protect themselves.

4. Bodily Reactions: Physiological changes that happen within the body (such as significantly increased heart rate and blood pressure along with other strong chemical changes in the body and the brain) impairing the person’s ability to process information.

5. Failed Repair Attempts: One partners attempts to repair ongoing conflicts fails frequently.

6. Bad Memories: When the couple views the past in a negative light to the degree that they mentally “rewrite” or distort their past.

What are the Signs of a Healthy Relationship?

There are a lot of common markers for understanding what makes an unhappy relationship better and what makes a good relationship a happier and healthier relationship.

1. Complain and Communicate Constructively: Partners are careful how they present their complaint, the words they choose and the tone of the voice they use.

2. Share Your Concerns: Partners need to tell each other how they feel and what they need. If feelings and conflicts are left unresolved, the opportunity for bonding and relationship intimacy is lost. Men often think that they are cooling things down when they refuse to discuss things and women often feel minimized when issues and concerns are not openly discussed.

3. Be a Little Selfish: If you give and give until you feel resentful, trapped and imprisoned you are building a wall between you and your partner. Work on giving to yourself about the same or a little bit more then you do to your partner.

4. Break the Cycle: With criticism often comes a defensive response. Criticism leads to partners feeling alone, disconnected and helpless to resolve the problem. To break the cycle, communicate with the end goal in mind, asking questions about what you would like to see change and develop, instead of identifying negative qualities about the other person that need to change. 

5. Fulfil Your Dreams: Dreams unfulfilled can lead to significant resentment. Talk about your dreams with your partner and create an action plan to make each of yours dreams a reality.

6. Support Each Other: When black clouds descend on one partner (a death in the family, depression, career setback, significant and challenging life circumstance) be a person who is willing to listen and be compassionate in your partners’ darkest days.

7. Communicate With Clarity: When you are making a request of your partner, or asking your partner to do something for you, communicate with clear expectations and if you are not clear, gently request clarification or further directions. E.g. “Sweetie could you please take out the garbage by tomorrow morning so that when the pickup comes it’s there with the rest of the trash.”

8. Calm Your Anger: Regardless of who or what the issue may be, not being able to control your negative emotions, especially anger, can and will erode the positive feelings your partner has had for you. The person that the anger is directed at soon feels threatened and at risk, disconnecting the bond in the relationship.

9. Take Time Together: Life can become busy, and regardless if you are a new parent, parents of teenagers or empty nesters, there is always something to be done, or busyness to take care of. Couples often end up exhausted because of the ongoing obligations of “life.” There will always be work to be done, or things to “take care of.” There will not always be opportunities to “connect” with the children, or your partner. Take the time for one other spontaneously or by building time into the calendar. The cost of neglecting the connection in your relationship is simply too high.

10. Appreciate The Differences: Over time you will discover that your partner is different then you are and that you both have a different set of skills, talents and abilities. You can spend a lot of time, effort and energy trying to get them to do things your way or you can just accept their differences and make a plan to develop and appreciate the way these differences can complement each other in the relationship. Open a dialogue with your partner about these differences and find ways to resolve issues, remembering to focus on the issue not on your partner.

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Following are some guidelines for improving your communication:

Timing

If the person you are trying to talk with is busy, distracted, or preoccupied, much of the intended message will fall on deaf ears. Be certain that you have the attention of the person you are communicating with and that they are willing and able to communicate in return.

Aim Your Conversation Towards a Goal – "When you aim at nothing you will hit it every time!" If you know ahead of time what you want to discuss, or you have a general agenda you won't come across as rambling. Stick to the question or topic at hand and resist straying into related subjects without completing the topic at hand.

Say What You Really Want – Try not to make your partner guess at what your motivations and intentions are. Express how you feel, what you want, and what you need as clearly as possible and provide opportunity for the other person to ask questions for clarification. Practice

Active Listening – Active listening involves maintaining eye contact, positive and open posture, and being relaxed while you are communicating.

Clarify

Clarifying by asking questions shows that you have been listening. It is wise to never trust your assumptions about what you think you heard.

Express Areas That You Are Willing To Negotiate – Negotiation does not have to mean that you’re giving in but that you are willing to trade off or compromise. Bargaining or negotiating in this way can be enjoyable. Try not to agree to something that will cause later resentment.

Talk With People, Not At Them – Having an attitude of equality will help you to share the responsibility for what is being discussed while also maintaining a positive flow of conversation.

Be Sincere and Caring – Being sincere in giving praise will win respect. Try to remember that, "No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Criticize Constructively – Using "I" statements will help to separate the behaviour in question from the person and focuses on your feelings about the situation.

The foundation for healthy relationships is the ability to communicate and inter-relate. We can have better relationships and more fulfilled lives when we understand the meanings behind conversations. These meanings are not always obvious. Sometimes, it is useful to have a counsellor to improve communications. A professional counsellor can help to fine-tune your communication and open doors to happier, more fulfilled and intimate relationships.

Effective Communication

• Use "I" Statements
• No “Zapping”
• Stay in the Present and the Future
• Stick to the Topic at Hand
• Never Assume
• Do Not Interrupt
• Acknowledge Other's Point of View
• Offer an Apology if Appropriate
• Ask Clarifying Questions

Because we experience different perceptions, have matured in different environments and possess differing viewpoints, our understandings of the messages being communicated to us will often appear to be quite contradictory.

Communication Stoppers

Some obstacles to enjoyable conversation are lack of understanding, overstating one's point or refusing to discuss touchy subjects. Provoking delicate issues, withdrawing when troubled, or "shutting others up" also obstructs good communication. When these types of communication blockages occur, frustration and discouragement rise up quite rapidly.

The result is inhibited conversations with others, fears of asking for what we really want, disbelief in what others say, and feeling like people are talking down to us or do not take our concerns seriously.

There are six common communication obstacles that are always detrimental to a relationship and should be avoided if possible. These will wound your listener and hinder communication.

The most common communication obstacles are:

• Global labels – Some common examples include words like: Ugly, selfish, stupid, asinine, evil, disgusting, worthless, mean, and lazy. These are all hurtful labels which will estrange our listener. These labels are particularly damaging when used in the formats like “You are worthless, lazy, etc. . . .” Instead of addressing a specific issue or behaviour, global labels create indictment, and alienate the listener.

• Sarcasm – This negative form of humour conveys to the listener that you have contempt for them. Usually, this is a cover for feelings of hurt and anger. This typically pushes the listener away and creates further anger and resentment.

• Dragging up the past – Raking over old wounds and betrayals usually destroys the possibility of clarifying how you truly feel about the present situation.

• Negative comparisons – "Your sister is getting A's and you can't even get a B!" Comparisons are deadly because they not only contain subtle "you're bad" messages, but may also create feelings of inferiority to family and friends without acknowledging individual contributions.

• Judgemental "you" messages – "You aren't there for me when I need you." "You don't love me anymore." Using the word "you" in the beginning of a sentence assaults the listener using an accusing form and tells the other person what to feel. Putting "always" in front of the accusations make these statements particularly caustic, for example . . . "You are always late."

• Threats – This is a very powerful form of a communication stopper. Instead of talking through sensitive and perhaps uncomfortable issues, this usually shifts the focus of the conversation to fight, flight, freeze or retaliation.

A very small percentage of communication in relationships is verbal. The words we choose are not as significant as how the words are said. We convey over 80% of our messages through gestures, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. The timing of what we say…and our use of silence has a significant impact on the total message.

The five skill levels of conversation in intimate communication is the foundation for all relationships. It’s the glue that holds relationships together or dramatically pushes them apart. We communicate internally and externally with others all of our waking hours.

The five skill levels of communication reflect the status of emotional intimacy in one's relationship, the first being the least intimate form of communication, and the last, most. They are:

1. Superficial Contact and Interaction
2. Small Talk
3. Honest expression of Ideas, Values, and Opinions
4. Open and Sincere expression of Feelings
5. Full and Intimate disclosure of Ideas, Values, Opinions and Feelings

How would you rate the communication skills of yourself and of those in your relationships?

If you would like a no obligation initial assessment on how you could improve intimate communication  in your relationships, call us today we'd like to help.